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Steal Like a Boss

Steal Like a Boss

Charles Hall

White collar crime takes special skills and thoughts. Do you have what it takes? Here’s my tongue-incheek
look at how I would steal.
To steal, I need to:
1. Be Believable
2. Have a Cause
3. Calm My Conscience
4. Develop My Plan
5. Execute My Plan
6. If Caught, Settle Out of Court

1. Be Believable
I must be seen as trustworthy. The more
age, experience and education I have, the
better. Surely I won’t be suspected if I have
been working with the organization f or several years and if I’m seen as someone who can be trusted.

And while I’m at it, I’ll do what I can to move to positions of higher authority which will provide
me with greater opportunities. Being the boss will enable me to steal like a boss.
If possible, I will gain the ability to authorize or initiate purchases; this is a key to the castle.
Kickbacks (paid to those who authorize payments) are difficult to detect, even by prof essional
f raud examiners, and the dollars can be signif icant. Like stealing candy f rom a baby.
If possible, I will seek out employment with small to medium sized entities since they often
have not developed appropriate internal controls. It’s just less cumbersome to steal when my
employer has no segregation of duties.

2. Have a Cause
Any f inancial pressure will do–a gambling or drug habit, an af f air, medical bills, or maybe I just want to appear more successf ul than I am. If I don’t have a need, I will create one. I am my own cause. My unshareable need (cause) must not be known by others lest they suspect my need for

3. Calm My Conscience
I hate when that little voice starts talking: “Charles, you can’t do this. Your grandmother would be so ashamed.” It takes skill and f ortitude, but I must calm my conscience. All the more reason to have a cause (see point 2.). The more noble I can make my cause, the better. Something like, “I’ve earned this. The company should realize my greatness and provide me with appropriate
compensation. I have three kids in college and they need this. You know I really want to be good
provider f or my f amily.” I may need to start stealing borrowing or compensating myself in small
amounts and then build up. This will make it easier f or my conscience to adjust.

4. Develop My Plan
I will pay attention to control weaknesses.
Our auditors have told us for years that we lack appropriate segregation of duties.
Opportunity awaits.

If I am going to steal be compensated appropriately, I need to make it worth my while. Be bold.
Think big. I have noticed that one of our key vendors has been very kind to me, a f ree week-long trip to Vegas f or the last three years. And a key contract renewal is coming up. I think cash would be better this year. Besides I know the CFO received an even sweeter trip than I did last year. And bribes gif ts don’t hurt anyone; the vendor pays f or them (though I have noticed the vendor’s pricing seems to be increasing…actually, exploding).

5. Execute My Plan
Take Compensate myself in a steady under-the-radar kind of way. Most f olks who do this, get
greedy. I must be diligent to work in a measured way, not taking receiving more than would be noticed.

Greed is my enemy, the element that lands good guys like me in the newspapers.
Also I think I can consistently steal borrow money from the receipts cycle since I am in
charge of daily deposits and all related accounting duties. This might cost me my vacation
though. I need to be on the job to continue to hide perf orm my duties. But if the f unds taken
compensation is enough, I can f orgo the Vegas trip.

6. If I Get Caught, Settle Out of Court
If I am discovered someone notices that I have borrowed f unds, then I may have to beg f or
f orgiveness and promise to pay it back. And, of course, I need to make sure the company
understands my concern for its reputation; news like this does not coalesce well with the
company’s mission statement: Honesty and Compassion f or Those We Serve.

I don’t need a criminal record, especially if I need to steal borrow f unds f rom my next employer.